DAMNATION & SALVATION
by emeraldeyedirishdaughter
Summary: The Doctor has just lost Rose after the battle of the cybermen and daleks. He is a shattered man. A fanfic written after the battle and incorporating the goodbye scene at the end of Doomsday.


_**Authors Notes: 26th June, 2010 - This is an updated version of the original story. Previously it had not been beta'd and I believe that the story reads much better now as a result. The original story was written after watching Doomsday because the episode broke my heart. I wanted to explore the Doctors feelings and give some comfort. Hope that comes across. **_

Walls by definition are structures made of different materials with the length and height much greater than their thickness. They provide support, enclosure and in this case division.

The walls of this room were a clinical white; nothing special, nothing notable about them except for a lone figure standing next to one structure at the far end of the room: a man, quite young in appearance, with tousled brown hair and wearing a pin striped suit was pressed against the white paint. His right cheek and the palms of his hands were fixed to the wall as if he was trying to commune with something or someone within or on the other side.

It was his eyes, however, that spoke volumes about his current frame of mind. Old eyes, unusual for one so young, glistened with unshed tears, unspoken emotions and unfathomable sorrow.

He opened his mouth and spoke a word that whispered its way across the room.

"Rose."

Moments ago, perhaps minutes or was it hours, (he'd lost track of time during his silent contemplation); there had been a war raging throughout this building, throughout London and the rest of the world. The war between the Cybermen and the Daleks had been deadly and had nearly ended the existence of this time line. He had beaten them though. With help from others he cared about he had opened up the Void and sent the Cybermen and Daleks back where they had come from; he had closed the breach ending the terror and fatal threat.

He should be celebrating; hugs all round, beer down the pub, being forced by Jackie Tyler to eat her cooking; but no, not on this occasion. This victory had come with a heavy price. He had made sacrifices in the past so he was no stranger to pain; but this time... this time he felt like his hearts had been ripped from his chest. He almost wished for a Cyberman to appear and deliver the mandatory upgrade; be implanted with an emotional inhibitor; anything that would stop the agony he was feeling now.

"Rose," he breathed again.

This precious fragile human had broken down walls within him. She had saved him from the darkness, and the nightmares that were in his mind when he first met her after the Time War. He could picture her all pink and yellow; her beautiful smile and her unfailing trust in him. She had made sure she was at his side for the final battle here at Torchwood headquarters. She had abandoned her old life, her family and friends to be with him so he wouldn't be alone.

The Valiant child: the title suited her. When the gear lever holding the void open had slipped she didn't hesitate to let go of her magnetic supports and push it back in place. She knew how important this was. She understood that she might indeed be sacrificing herself to save the world.

'Hold on!' he had screamed at her but it was not enough. She had let go and fallen, only to be saved at the last minute by the parallel Pete Tyler. Blinking into existence he had caught her and taken her back to the safety of the alternate world. He knew he should be relieved, happy even: Happy that she had not fallen through the Void like their enemies. The man sighed sadly; he should be grateful, but all he could feel was a gut wrenching sense of loss because he knew he could not follow her. With the breach to the Void repaired, the walls to the parallel universe had closed and they were divided: not by a solid structure but by the laws of Time and the Cosmos itself.

She'd be okay. Her mother Jackie, was already there, having gone through earlier with Pete and Mickey. They'd take care of her. She had wanted to be with him forever but he couldn't give her that. It was better this way. The words ghosted through his mind trying to appease his broken heart. She would get on with life; find a new job, get older, perhaps marry; maybe even marry Mickey. She would have kids of her own and she'd forget. Forget! Why did that notion tear him apart even further? Yes she'd forget but he never would.

After what seemed an age he turned away from the wall and made his way back to the TARDIS. Each step was that of an old, old man whose will to live was shattered, burdened by the weight of his grief. Everything that he ever wanted in life had been taken away; his world, his people and now the one thing he dared to believe in had been ripped from him, leaving him a hollow shell. For the first time in 900 years he truly wished to end it all.

He finally reached the TARDIS, but he did not feel his hearts warm at her welcoming hum. On the console was Rose's cardigan and he dove forward grasping the soft material in his hands; raising them and holding the garment close to his hearts. He lifted it to his face breathing in her scent, letting it soothe his broken hearts for just a moment.

He went to her room next, and stood outside the door for an age before turning the handle and entering. It had been left in typical Rose fashion, messy, chaotic and disorganised; although she always maintained she knew where everything was.

Suddenly anger overtook him: pure, unbridled anger. Not at her. No... Never at her, but at himself. What an idiot he had been. He knew that Rose loved him, knew that he cared, but there was no point fooling himself now. He loved her too, but it was too late. He'd had two years to do something but squandered each and every chance, hidden his head in the sand with his stupid ideas and Time Lord rules, none of which were any help to him now. The physical need to hit something became too much and he lashed out, punching the wall of the bedroom. At once the TARDIS admonished him and he was suddenly contrite, apologising to her.

'Sorry, old girl,' he said telepathically and shared with her the events of the day and his sorrow at losing Rose. The TARDIS wrapped his mind in her warmth and tried her best to help him. She willed him to go sleep and he climbed onto Rose's bed. Turning his head into her pillow, he breathed in the fragrance of her, using it to try and shut out the shattering noises of his tortured mind and his broken being.

"Rose," the name slipped from his lips as he dreamed of supernovae, a sandy beach and Rose standing there waiting for him.

Upon waking, he knew what he must do. He had to see her one last time. To say goodbye.

It was almost time. He had arrived at the point where the crack between the parallel universes was still open. He was burning up a sun just to say goodbye, something he could never, ever recall doing for just one person: Just for this one small human. Suddenly there she was. She too had heard the dream and come to find him.

They talked as if they had all the time in the world but in reality there were only a few minutes and then she spoke the words that she had been trying to say to him for two years.

"I love you!"

Now it was his turn.

"Quite right too ... and, I suppose since it's my last chance to say it ... Rose Tyler..."

And she was gone.

He was alone in the TARDIS console room, his declaration unsaid yet again. The river of unshed tears, dammed up since that moment at Canary Wharf, broke its banks and cascaded down his face unchecked, while he sobbed; his whole body wracked with loss.

Within the darkness he heard a whisper.

"I love you!"

The words crept into his mind, easing the shivering and checking his tears. She was saving him once more. Those three words would give him strength; a reason to fight; a thread that bound him to sanity; damnation and salvation. Paying the price of loneliness was worth the salvation of knowing he was loved. She had been right; she would be with him forever.

He locked the grief away in a quiet corner of his heart. There would be time for more tears later but for now life was waiting and he was going to embrace it just as she had taught him to.


End file.
